July 24, 2016

Today was a sunday morning. We just came back from church and out of nowhere pappa asks if everyone want to go for a sunday brunch. He had never done this before, and thought oh..probably becuase mom got her new fine job after a while we were struggling. It will be awesome today I thought, then I remembered I am scheduled to work today. Although it starts from 3pm, I lied to them its 12-8 and stayed back home. I felt lazy today.

So its 10 am now, I had my breakfast (cereal) and have nothing to do now, boring day in the internet, so many people where killed in Munich after mass shootings, everyday its the same story, somewhere in the world its sorrow and hatred among mankind. No one seems to care either, and slowly the bad feeling is envouring me as well, "Why am I caring for all this, why am I a bit sad for the people...". I tried to forget all that and started thinking about yesterday night, The conversation between me and the girl I like got wierd again last night. I told her I'm gonna write a blog about the whole thing which only she can read...I thought, I probably creeped her out yesterday by telling that and even I am thinking, why I told her that yeterday. Although I planned to start writing blogs about the technical difficultied I face as a current programmer, I never thought I would write blogs like this.I don't even know if this is how it should be. Well, I never even thought I will be in a relationship to be honest and I don't know if I am in one either. But here I am, all alone home, sitting on my bed with my laptop trying to type something boring.

I will call this Blog Zero..., well this might have a zero value becuase nobody is going to see this. Except if and only if she ask back about the blog will I give it to her. I don't know why she would, but if she did...even that makes me thank god..but I should thank her really...or may be like I said yesterday night..Lord Muruga might have shown her who I am...

So, lets get into bussiness. I finally remember why I thought, i'm never gonna marry or have a relationship. Its because of that incident in grade 10, where the girl I had a crush on called me a "kid". I don't remember how I reached that situation, but after 4 years of the taking same classes and same courses, she never noticed me in her class and she thought, I was some creep kid from a lower grade. I thoght about my body type, how dwarf and physically ugly I am to have liked a girl like her, I understood I went out of my league to like a girl like her. But this was not like other boys thinking how hot she is and how awesome will it be to have her as a girlfreind. I made up my mind and told to myself, well I wasn't created for this sort things.."I SUCK". I told to my self no more girls,no more love and allt his bullshit, do something good for the world and die, like everyone else. Fast forward to 1 more year, richest boy from our class is dating her, well atleast he is bothering her. After that year, mom finnaly got her visa approved to Canada. This will be awesome I thought, no more bullying for me, fuck all those dickheads who pushed me down the stairs and broke my arm. I heard Canada is good country.

April 24, 2014. I reached canada. Tried to blend in with all the knowledge I know from the movied I watched. I coudn't even talk to people for the first few weeks. English was bad, since I never used that to talk in India, although I understood it and knew it very well. Lived in frustration for the next 4 months, nothing to do....wowowowowow...this is gonna be long, let me get to the current situation.

So this girl, she is the perfect height for me, Nice looking, cultural girl asked for my number at my workplace. I thought, oh well probably for some work things and since most of the guys did ask for my number to change shifts an all, I thought well, whatever. Gave it. I never got any texts from most of the guys so, 2 months later I went to Uni and forget about all that..

When I came back from Uni, I became really responsible with my life, I have seen people making mistakes and I made sure never repeat it. Low and behold its that girl again, with a big smile on her face. She talked to everyone alike , so I thought she caring and asking about all my school stuff will be nothing special, fews more weeks pass by, she came to me and asked for my number again, I notice she changed her phone, may be that's why I thought. One day I get a "hey" text. The converation page in messenger looked empty. Then I fugured out its her. Low and behold---- A girl texted me for the first time in 19 years of my life. BUt instead of the creepy you wanna be my girlfreind thought, I asked what's up...short converstaion first day. Then for next few days she texted me constaly asking for my shifts and one day she told me she already loked at my shift, which gave me the question is she into me. I never asked her thou. And after few more weeks due to constant talking here and there at the store, people stared to make fun of me and her... That night I thought, well people are saying, let me just ask her about it..I didn't know how to start, I asked her if she likes me, (You know what happened that night). Me being a complete fuck, didn't wanted her to loose her life for a screw up like me asked her not to do this, I asked her not to like me, I wanted her to stop talking to me, becauase I was slowly starting to like her day by day and at the end what if she wants to make a fool of me, I can't handle that. I was fooled once, never again.... And I think I might be the only one who ever a told a girl not to like me..in the history..well...told you I am a fuck up...

But this is where she made me love her even more, she told me she never liked my body, she liked my heart...that made me laugh and cry at the same time...Wow...this might be the one I thought...

Few days later, I took her out on a James bond mission, so that no one notices we are going out, I was afraid, but then when I saw her at the bus-terminal, I knew somethings are worth taking the risk for.

I know I am hurting you for the past few days, and I am completely trying to stop that, you know how I told you one day...oh dad came in I have to sleep now, he never did..I did that because I knew bad thoughts are coming from my head and I need to stop right now. I never wanted to hurt you like that... Even after reading this don't say to me, you can go somewhere else and find a girlfreind, if you don't like this confusing relationship. No..okay...If this isn't it ...I'm back being single again for life... I am ready to wait for you for decades, I can't type this part really well cause my fingers are shaking...Everytime you say "Awwww" , "Poor you" and or may be like "You are being a sweetheart to me!", I look up to heaven and pray, hopefully you live like this for 100s of years. I am liking you more and more everyday because i never liked you, I loved you...I never looked at you like other girls, I wanted to worship you....Well that big smile always gets me....

Sorry, if i wasted your time...Don't come back and tell me you read this..and don't ask questions from this..as far I know, I can't answer them..

Bye..